8 years ago today my life was normal. Or at least as normal as it could be for a 25 year old with a 3 month old baby and a husband who was deployed to Iraq. i was anxiously waiting for the next time I would get get a phone call with terrible reception and the chance to get to talk to Shawn. Looking forward to that next trip to the mailbox to see if there was a cherished letter waiting for me. When I went to bed 8 years ago today, I never dreamed that I would never in my life forget the next 2 days.
I went about June 16, 2003 as I did any other day. I took care of Dean, I planned the next care package I would send to Shawn, and I wrote him his daily letter. I went to bed that night not knowing that my worst nightmare was coming true.
At 6:30 am June 17, 2003 I was sitting in the back bedroom of my parents home( where Dean and I were staying until Shawn came home) feeding Dean, expecting to go back to sleep for awhile and for mom and dad to come sneak into my room and get Dean when he woke up again to let me sleep. I did not go back to sleep.
There was a knock on the backdoor, instantly I knew who it was a why they were there. I couldn't move, part of me thought that if I didn't get out of bed, it wouldn't happen.
My dad came to the bedroom and told me that I needed to go to the door. I have never seen my poor dad look like that. He was already heartbroken and he hadn't even been told yet. I headed to the door,handing Dean to my dad. i walked outside, was asked if I was Elisha B Pahnke, wife of PFC Shawn D Pahnke. I said yes, and was told that they deeply regretting having to tell me that he had been killed while on a mission. The next thing i remember is my dad picking me up off the sidewalk. The next week is a blur of moments in time, snippets of conversations, and vague memories of visitors to the house, funeral preparations, and the funeral. The only thing that got my thru those days was holding my baby. I don't think I let many people hold him, he was what was keeping me standing up, breathing, able to function at all.
My heart was broken that day and it will forever remain broken. I will never be the person I was 8 years ago, I am told i am strong however I am not feeling so strong. I am merely surviving and doing what I have to do to give my son the best life possible.
I love you Dean. You daddy loves you.
Shawn, Dean and I love you so much. You are missed more that imaginable and you will never be forgotten.
3 comments:
Elisha, you and Dean are always in my prayers.
Elisha,
Any words I could write would not do justice to yours and Dean's loss. But know that you are always in my prayers, and I am proud that you are my friend. Dean is so blessed to have you as his mom - and anyone who knows you, loves you for your strength, your dedication to Dean, and the fact that even though you never asked for this role, you show the world what God's grace in action really is.
Love,
Sue
Elisha, I am just now reading other blogs! My summer was a blur and I deeply regret that I did not take the time to read the blogs of my cherished friends. I felt your pain in your words. I am at work holding back tears. Please forgive me for not responding when you needed caring words so much.
Much love,
Betsy
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